this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.