If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
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When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie