H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny