I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Saturday
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.