Lucky for them, they’re cute
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They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
❤️❤️❤️
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him