Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
scrabbled eggs
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?