Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My daily affirmation
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link