ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
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#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
water it, i dare you
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.