I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
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Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
forgive me baja for i have blast
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
May never get over this
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
📽️movie date🎞️
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.