*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
<- sleeps well with others
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Become ungovernable.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup