(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
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My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t