Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
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I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
#Caturday
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?