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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Namaste
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.