VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
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*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.