[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
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Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My birthstone is kidney
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
*bites zombie*
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.