Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
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9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
She: I like Cats
He:
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
Tier 3 meme
Is this you?
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while