Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs