Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
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First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account