Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Imagine having a party on purpose.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Whoa 😂
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Ape together strong
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
#DesignFail
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth