Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
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me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?