ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
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A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
[on my way back to the posting caves]
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Pikachu found the lost joint
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.