My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Would you wear it?
Print is alive and well!!!
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.