Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
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Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
At least he brought enough for everyone
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.