*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe