Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
The struggle is real
Lmao 🤣
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
a public service announcement
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in