Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
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Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me trying to walk in a dream
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.