pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying