“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I needed a laugh this morning.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.