After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
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Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.