3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
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Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.