Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Pandas 🐼🖤
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
my sentiments exactly
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.