A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.