only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Always…
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣