Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
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13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
No, I don’t think I will.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Me as a therapist: omg same
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse