All food is good if you spell it wrong
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[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Awesome parenting 😂
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
#Caturday
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.