Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
You Might Also Like
turning my gender off to conserve energy
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
kids play hide and seek like
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.