i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
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Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
mumsnet is amazing
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.