Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I think I’m having a stroke