Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.