*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers