my fav colour is also hitler
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You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
bout dat hot dog summer
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”