My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
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The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
what the hell pray for carter everyone
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.