In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
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Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
My god she’s good.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.