I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
it was a valiant fight
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.