I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Oh my god
According to math, I’m broke
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*