Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
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Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.