My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
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“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror