hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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My loaf of bread looks terrified
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
just pretend nothing happened
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*