horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
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4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.