Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
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devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My first child will be named New Folder.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.